Nagging to Bragging

My mother gave me a book when I was a young woman just starting to date called "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen B. Andelin. The book tells of how a woman can be feminine and flirty with a playful style that will endear her husband towards her rather than using her feminine charms to manipulate and coerce her husband into getting her way.


She uses the classic book "David Copperfield" by Charles Dickens as an example of two types of women. In the book David has two loves "Agnes" who represents the woman who can fulfill his inner emotional needs but lacks in the area of flirtation and shall we say seduction. Then there is "Dora" who has learned how to bat her eyes and giggle at just the right times in a way that would wrap a man around her finger, of course with all of the wrong selfish intentions. The author of "Fascinating Womanhood" goes on to teach how we can bring these two women together into what a man might think of as the "perfect" woman. It is a great book that I like to pull out every once in while and glance back through.


I was reminded of the book this week with our "You da Man" project. In "Fascinating Womanhood" the author also suggest bragging on your man and to do it in a way that he would either over hear you or it would get back to him. She tells of a woman who was actually getting frustrated with her husband over not finishing a project involving her kitchen cabinets but instead of nagging him decided that she would use this bragging idea. As she was talking on the phone one day to her girlfriend with her husband in hearing distance she mentioned what wonderful job he was doing on their kitchen cabinets and how great they were going to look. Her husband not long after went out and finished the project.

Ephesians 4:29 New International Version

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen

I want to change my habits from nagging to bragging. It is amazing what happens when we as women stroke the ego of our men and even sons. I have watched my son's attitude go from really negative to down right giddy with a little stroking of his ego. In bragging we openly stroke that ego and show admiration. When my husband knows he has my admiration he his is much more likely to live up to it and want to keep it.

Lord, there are so many times I speak with out thinking. Help me to use my tongue to bring praise and encouragement to those around me. Help me to curb my criticism and speak only that which is uplifting and edifying. Amen

Tougher than I thought

Are you hanging in there with me? I tell you this is tougher than I thought it would be. She starts us out with 2 real dig deep and make changes kind of projects. I think it would have been much easier to just leave a little love note somewhere, cook a meal, buy lingerie for heaven's sake.

I can't even remember what it was like before kids came along and trying to figure out how to add that back into a day requires a lot more time and thinking on my part.

So, how am I going to do this? Ask for help from my accountability partners and of course from my heavenly father. I hope that you are asking for help too.

Lord, give me wisdom and discretion as I try to bring these projects to completion. Thank you for your help.

The Lack of a Plan

We just came back from Leah's Princess Tea Party. It was a class given through MJC and it was supposed to teach manners to 4-7 year olds.

The class had such great potential, the teacher was all dressed up in a fancy red and white gown with a big heart hat on her head and she introduced herself as the Queen of Mannerly Hearts. The girls walked in one by one and shook her hand then were instructed to fill out a name tag and decorate a place mat and find a place to sit. From there on however the class fell apart. Our teacher who was filled with so much knowledge failed to execute a plan to actually teach it. She kept saying over and over again there are 5 fabulous phrases but she never told us what they were. She also kept asking if anyone knew what the number 1 important manner was? Nobody knew and she almost neglected to tell us until a mom asked and then she let us know it was to say I'm sorry when we made a mistake. She started a game and never finished it. She tried to get the girls to tell her some manners but they were too young and not able to really respond well so she tossed that idea out the window. When we got to the cookie and tea time she failed to let the girls know before hand what good table manners were and so when they were at the table she was pointing out and what not to do and making them stop eating because the hostess wasn't eating yet. It was such a mess.

The thing is it had so much potential and she had so much knowledge she just lacked a plan on how to impart that knowledge. It was just a reminder to me on how important a plan is. As we look at our projects over the next 21 days or so, realize it won't happen unless we make a plan to make it happen. "The road to good intentions doesn't lead to anywhere."

Pr 21:5 - Show Context
The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.

Isa 32:8 - Show Context
But the noble man makes noble plans, and by noble deeds he stands.

Lord help me to never think that my knowledge or good intentions alone will make up for the lack of a plan.

We will be back on Monday with a new project. Have a great weekend.

Every Marriage is Different

One last thing I want to touch on before we go forward with our 21 days of projects. Kathi calls it "No Cookie Cutter Marriages."

As we look at the projects and get a feel for how we are going to implement them remember that we don't have to do them verbatim. If we come to the day where it says “make a gourmet candlelight dinner for the two of you” and your thinking "I barely have enough left in me to get through the rest of the day how could I possibly make a fancy meal?" then don't. Remember our purpose is to learn to not take our spouses for granted and to find ways to show them we love them. It's okay to serve KFC on china by candlelight. If the project just screams "my husband will not be into this" then skip it or modify it. Make it work for your marriage and the two of you. In her book Kathi states 'You're t he only expert on your husband."

Another thing to be aware of is when we start something like this with a small group of women it is easy to fall into some wrong expectations and even comparisons.

Oh, how I have let myself be disappointed at times because of my expectations. When I set myself up to expect a certain result and it doesn't happen it is easy to get frustrated and angry or even just give up. Combine my unmet expectations with the news of someone else's great results and I'm on an emergency run to the market for some serious ice cream therapy.

That's why "The Husband Project" is not about getting a certain result or "changing" my man. It is more about changing me and the way I think about my husband and my marriage. It’s not about comparing notes and trying to have the kind of marriage someone else does. My motives during this project should be to bless him secretly without being noticed.I've had to learn in life to give up my expectations to God first and then I am free to be content and blessed with what he decides to give me.

So friends hold each other accountable for your motives as we go through this together.

Psalms 139:23-24 New Living Translation

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Lord, you know me better than I know myself and can see my true motives. Help me to give up my expectations and let you be in charge of the results.

Honoring the Sabath

The Husband Project went to church and hopes you did too. Check back tomorrow for more of the "21 Days of Loving Your Man on Purpose With a Plan"

Breaking Old Habits

On the first page of Kathi's book "The Husband Project" she mentions that several women while doing the projects came to her and told her that they were going to have to quit the assignments because their husbands were suspicious and thought they might be having affairs. Wouldn't it be sad if yours or my husband became suspicious of us just because we were encouraging and being especially nice to them? That's not the result I want and I'm sure it's not the one you want either.

So, before I start a new habit of looking for ways to encourage my husband perhaps I should make a conscious effort to end some of my old habits first.

Proverbs 21:23 The Message

Watch your words and hold your tongue; you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

Proverbs 21:9 The Message

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

I also loved the quote that Kathi shared on page 47 from an anonymous source

Watch you thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Before my husband can accept and trust the extra encouragement I will be showing him in the 21 days of projects I need to stop some of the habits I do that make him feel less than perfect.

• The rolling of the eyes.
• Sly comments meant to take personal jabs at him.
• The sighs and cold shoulders
• The quarreling over petty things
• The criticizing, buts, blame game, comments that start with "You"

I'm sure you have a few of your own that you could add to my list.

So, for today start by making an effort to watch your thoughts, your words, your actions, and your habits. Lest they become the reality of your heart.

Oh Lord, show me the habits in my life I need to change. The habits that bring my husband down rather than lift him up. Help me to control my thoughts, words, and actions. So that I can become his source of encouragement that he can trust and enjoy. This is not easy to do on my own so Lord I ask for your divine help with this.

What Do I Want My Marriage to Look Like? Pg 13

One thing I can enjoy is a good romantic story. Last Summer I read some sweet Christian romance stories. I dove into the stories and barely stopped to feed the kids while I was enjoying the perfect romantic relationships. After a few weeks of this I remember feeling frustrated with my husband over something and thinking why can't he be more like the men in all those stories? They always know the right thing to say and do, were incredibly romantic and let's not forget rugged and handsome. It dawned on me then that the author I had been reading so much of was a woman. My perfect leading man was indeed created by a woman's own fantasy.

I set aside my romance novels then realizing that even Christian romance novels can be detrimental to keeping realistic expectations in my own marriage.

We all have our own fantasies and dreams of the ideal man and marriage but are they realistic?

This is what God's expectation for us is in any relationship:

Philippians 2:3-4 Good News Translation

Don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves. And look out for one another's interests, not just for your own.

God's word reveals that my focus is not to be on what the other person does or does not do, but rather what I am supposed to do.

• Give up being motivated by how am I going to get what I want.
• Act in a manner that displays humility.
• Think of my husband as more important than myself.
• Look out for his needs.

Start today by confessing to God where you have put yourself first. Next ask him to help you relinquish your own needs and give those up to Him. Finally ask Him to help you focus on meeting your husbands needs so that perhaps he may take notice and even feel lucky to have you as his wife.

Lord,

I confess that most of the time I am more worried about my own needs those of my husband. I ask that you would help me to lay my worries down and at your feet and trust you to take care of me. Give me an attitude of humility rather than entitlement when it comes to my marriage and my husband. Father, give me eyes to see the needs of my husband that I can meet.

Preparing a Foundation

Before we launch right into encouraging our husbands I think it best to first prepare a foundation. Each of us are in different places in our marriages and our lives, some are in a place where they are happy to go forward with encouraging their husbands but their are some of us that are already thinking "Give me a break! I'm the one who needs the encouragement." It would be foolish to start this 21 day project with out first preparing our hearts for it.

Let's face it, as moms, wives and women in general we are typically at the bottom of the encouragement ladder. Which is why we need each other, not to compete with but to support and hold up. We also need to look to God's word for encouragement. Take a moment to read our MOPS Adventures in Mothering theme verse.

Ephesian 3: 16-20 new living translation

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. "

The Apostle Paul wrote this to encourage the early Christians in Ephesus. He reminds us that at all times God is with us and loves us in a way we can't even fathom and is working in our circumstances and in our hearts to strengthen us and build us up. He reassures us that nothing is impossible with God and because of this we have hope.

• Start today with thanking God that He is with you and loves you immeasurably.
• Next thank him that He is producing inner strength in you (strength you may need for tomorrow)
• Finally believe that He is able to do in your life and marriage more than you could even hope for.

Lord,

Help me to remember how valuable I am to you and how much you really do love me. Help me to place all of my fears and worries at your feet so that you can have the freedom to produce inner strength in me. Give me a peace and hope for the future.